Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
