Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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