I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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