I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
