Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
