Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
