I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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