chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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