why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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