if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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