Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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