My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
