I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize