I understand why you refuse to be sober now
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just want to make out with him forever
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
