I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
