There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
