in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
