a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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