she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
