I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
