I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
