well I can't set my house on fire every night
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
