I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
