Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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