The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
