I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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