Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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