I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
