How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
