sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Randomize
