oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I am midnight drunk by noon
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
