accomplished twins. life is a go
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My pussy is not your playground.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Randomize