Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
