paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
im six kinds of drunk right now
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just want to make out with him forever
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
