Yo dont text me then not text me
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
