My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
