If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
