Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
