Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
