who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
