Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
