I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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