i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Randomize
