I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
