I just pynch a tree in the face
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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