Betty ford says i'm here all night
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
