All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I deserve this hangover.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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