He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
