ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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