I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
