he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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