He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
