You're my little dorito
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
