so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
