Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
