apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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