I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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