Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
