I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I have fence marks all over my body
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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