Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
