yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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