oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Randomize
