I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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