Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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