I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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