Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
