onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
