I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
