when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
