She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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