if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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