Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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