Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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