I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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