Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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