Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
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