I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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