he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
